Lily (chiffondeangel) wrote in soc1_project,
Lily
chiffondeangel
soc1_project

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fear....

I am afraid..... Afraid that if, when, I start an actual relationship with the Soc they call One that it'll be like the one he had with Emily.....

I guess that's my biggest fear right now...... Becoming Emily... I don't mean a pale blonde with no boobs and tons of glitter, I mean I'm afraid that it'll be like one of those awful school "relationships", where you guys both admit that you like each other and then you're "going out" and yet you never talk....... I don't need another one of those.... I hate those...... More than I hate just being friends.......

I'm worried that I've idealized Chris into something he's not........ Since I don't know him that well I've just dreampt up some guy with Chris' face but with none of the same intelligence.......

Jazon and Lis always call me his future wife and I think that scares me too.... I mean I've always laughed at the preppys at my school who think that they're going to marry their newest "boyfriend" or some celebrity..... I always laugh at how socially retarded those girls are.... They spend all day writing some guy's name all over their limbs and paste his pictures on their desks and walls...... I guess I'm afraid of becoming one of those girls.....

I hate this feeling... This mass confusion.... I hate how much I like him.... I just would like to be able to wake up one morning and have no feelings for him at all..... I don't want to like him the way I do..... I just want to go back to the way things were.... I'd like some random guy from school and fall in and out of crushes everyday...... I loathe this feeling of deep affection..... this luv..... this absolute longing for some form of luv in return...... I just don't want to feel this way anymore.... I am constantly finding myself thinking about him..... I DON"T WANT TO! and yet I do..... If he openly liked me then it would probably be different..... maybe.... I DON"T KNOW! I hate this feeling...
I just feel like I need to break down and cry becauwse of it, as if my tears could wash away the feelings.....
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